Here I Go Again on My Own
“Umm, I’m not sure exactly where I am but I can send you a pin of my location on google maps.”
“I don’t have a way for you to do that.”
“I just need a tow for about 10 feet to get up this hill.”
“Umm…”
“Nevermind, I got it, thanks!”
This is an actual conversation I had yesterday with a tow truck company in Alma, NB. How did I get myself into this situation again? Well, I’m glad you asked.
I thought I had a good idea of my van’s limitations after spending a night in the ditch in February and losing all of my plumbing. But it turns out, I still had another lesson to learn.
After the last time, my BFF said, “You know, this isn’t the last time you are going to experience something like that. Something will happen again, but you will get yourself out of it, just like you did this time and this is how you grow.” That may not be exactly what he said, but it’s close and it was the sentiment.
Why do we have to go through extremely difficult situations to grow - because failure is the best way to learn. We learn that if we want different outcomes, we need to make different choices. Or at least that’s how it’s supposed to work.
Some background - I grew up in rural Iowa meaning I have a lot of experience driving gravel roads in all kinds of vehicles. I don’t even really think about it. So when the “scenic drive” I was on yesterday to get from Alma, NB to Saint Martins, NB turned to gravel, I didn’t think much of it.
Then I started to hit some sketchy gravel - big rocks, a little mud, and I started to get a little nervous. I passed a pickup and the driver looked at me like WTAF are you doing? Shortly after that, I came across an incredibly steep hill. I floored the van and lost all momentum about halfway up the hill. NBD I thought, I’ll just turn around and take the highway.
About a mile after I turned around I hit another hill that was so easy for me to drive down, I hadn’t really noticed how steep it was. And you guessed it, I got stuck again. This time only about 10 feet from the top. I tried about 5-6 times to reverse and go forward with no luck. So, after last time I did learn a very important lesson - when you are stuck in a 9000 lb vehicle, call a tow truck.
Fortunately I was in coverage and I found a tow truck company right away and they picked up right away. While on the phone with them, I kept trying different lines and angles, never letting myself stay in drive too long after getting stuck and eventually I was successful. But all during this time, all I could think is how did I get myself into this situation again.
And this story–while 100% true-is a great metaphor for my life right now. For the sake of all involved parties, and because it’s really not interesting to anyone but us, I’ve found myself learning a lesson in my personal life that I should have learned before. I came to this realization when I was back in Denver, when I had the thought-this is what I went through in 2013-14 all over again.
The last time I went through this I was on the ground for months. I couldn’t find happiness in anything. I worked out 2+ hours every day using physical exhaustion as a distraction from mental anguish.
But this time was different. I spent a couple of weeks feeling that grief. However, as soon as I got on the road, it started to get a bit better.
Sometimes I wonder if this time in my life is me just avoiding my real problems, but the truth is, I have nothing but time on my hands. If I were facing something mentally insurmountable, I would not be able to do this; I would park my van somewhere cheap or free to camp and just sit in it playing games on my phone all day.
But that’s not what I’m doing. And I’m not putting myself through hours of grueling workouts to distract myself. And while I’m still not fully over it, I’m finding ways to find joy every day. Sometimes that’s through physical activities, but they are activities I enjoy. And while at times they are a little too physically gruelling, the payoff is usually an amazing view and not a mental escape.
I guess what I’m trying to say is even though I thought I knew my limitations, I found myself stuck in my van again. But I learned from my first experience. I asked for help immediately and kept trying different strategies to get myself out.
The same thing is true for the personal challenges I face now. I am so much stronger than I used to be. I know when to reach out, I know how to navigate the steep climbs, and I know exactly how to get back on my feet.